Inappropriate Things to Eat while Driving

You know when you're stuck in rush hour traffic on your way to work at butt fuck in the morning and you look over and there's that guy with the bags under his eye that has a bowl of cereal in one hand and a carton of milk in the other that drives with one knee? Yeah, it's assholes like that that cause those accidents in the morning because they're more concerned with stuffing their pie hole with carbs than keeping at least ONE hand on the steering wheel and ONE eye one the road (and car in front of them). Well, I'm telling you THIS SHIT HAS TO STOP.

The follow is a list of shit you cannot under any circumstance consume while you are driving. Period.

1. Bowl of cereal with milk. Bowl, spoon, cereal, milk all add up to a very dangerous concoction when trying to drive and shovel those calories into your mouth. Just do it at home or in the parking lot of your work place.
   
2. Gourmet sandwich. There are so many delicious gourmet sandwiches out there my two favorite being any sandwich from Little Lucas or Kat's Delicatessen. This video surmises why such endeavors should not be attempted while operating a moving vehicle. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHWTc8cUhkw
   
3. Pub burger. Wholesome complete delicious burgers. Grilled to perfection. Nothing beats them. Too bad they can get everywhere. Eat with caution. Do not eat while driving. Bonus: sometimes bacon and pulled pork make it extra special. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1krJqn3smbI
   
4. Heart Attack Grill Burger.  Ah, such a masterpiece. Such a wondrous creation. I recently had a Heart Attack Grill Burger and it was a God's fatty creation piled into one delicious juicy bacon laced burger. Finish it, otherwise you will be paddled to the Nurse's content. Not recommended for driving due to sheer size. Also, might not be able to be taken out. But other such sized burgers exist (same rules apply).
   
5. Crab legs. Sexy as these may be, I should not look over and see you cracking one open and spreading lemon juice all over them. These are succulent and best dipped in melted butter, but shouldn't be eaten on the road, especially since a sudden breaking could send Mr. Crustacean's claw to snip your uvula or try some debauched crab-finger deep throat. Yuck.
   
6. Lobster. Steering with your elbows never makes me feel safe. Neither does seeing you gorge yourself with the ass end of a lobster. Splatter effects on windshield may also affect driving ability.
   
7. Soup and chowder. Both are delicious. Both are banned for eating and driving purposes. Even the chowder in the bread bowl. Just think spillage. I love my chowder, but I do not like it on the floor of my car, or my leg for that matter. But more importantly I do not want to see you trying to clean this shit up (or burn yourself first) while driving. 
   
8. Sushi. I may have mixed feelings with this choice, but sorry to say, those of you would want to eat this while driving also feel the need to eat it with chopsticks all the while dipping it into your perfect soy sauce/wasabi mixture. Sorry to say, balancing a liquid on your leg while managing a slice precariously on two pieces of wood does not lead me to think you are paying attention to me when you're shifting lanes. Just don't. 
   
9. Nachos. Messy. Period. All over the place. It's a Mexican Bukkake all over your face. And car. It's pornographic for Christ's sake. (I wonder if there's a porn for that, Bukkake Driving.) 
   
10. Corn on the Cob. Think of it as slippery and messy. It's like face fucking yourself with a lubed up dildo, plus the fact the pieces get stuck in your teeth.
    
11. Rack of BBQ Ribs. It's like sucking on Porky Pigs' own ribs. Slathered in any rub or sauce, these are a slice of heaven. Too bad they require both hands. So don't eat them while driving.
    
12. Ice Cream. There are so many good ice cream places, but my personal favorite is Cold Stone. Albeit great, it is also too messy to eat on the road. The bowl method requires a spoon and that thus requires two hands which leave none for the steering wheel, while the cone method leaves you with much spillage over your leather interior. It's a lose-lose situation.
    
13. Spaghetti. Messy meatballs, sloppy long noddles plus the ill advised fork. What can go wrong? 
    
14. Watermelon. Drippage. Running down your chin and into your lap. Delicious and sweet but messy and you'll be more concerned with dribbling down your chin than breaking at the red light. 
    
15. Shrimp. De-shelling is the problem when it comes to these suckers. And although delicious, they aren't worth the risk when it comes to rear ending the next car. Wait until you are home. Unless they're popcorn shrimp, then pop those bad boys in your mouth like there's no tomorrow.
    
16. Crawfish. One of my many weaknesses. Cajun crawfish. My favorite place for these is the ever growing in popularity Hot N Juicy Crawfish which I bring all my friends to at any opportunity. The only thing is I eat it while I am there. Not when I am driving back home. The sucking and de-shelling and dipping process is too complex a process to do on the move. Think rubbing your right hand on your stomach in a counter clockwise direction while tapping your head with your left hand while enjoying a masterful blowjob. Think you can thoroughly enjoy it?
    
17. Mussels and Clams. This is one of those foods that just gets everywhere, no matter what you do. Hence why most places give you a bib. Unfortunately you don't have a bib in your car.
    
18. Oatmeal. Similar to cereal, this breakfast fodder is delicious but requires the finesse of playing airplane with a 2 year-old. It's gobblty-globber all over your car's floor and your pant leg with the many potholes you encounter on your way to work and I don't want to be veering down the highway at 70 mph and seeing you looking down at your leg vigorously wiping away with a napkin. 
    
19. Chinese food. The TWO HAND rule must be put into effect here because of the balance required to operate the dish. Plus the use of chopsticks requires coordination only offered with the plate in one hand sticks in the other deal.
    
20. Steak. Let's start with the knife you're using while driving, which requires two hands to operate. If your steak is precut, then by all means eat away. But balancing a plate with a freshly cut bloody steak and trying to drive and cut it at the same time is stupidly dangerous.
    
21. A bowl of chili. This is stupid only for a variety of reasons not limited to the NO BOWL rule for eating in a car. Think of it as trying to concentrate on not spilling your food as well as operating a moving death machine at a high velocity. This is foregoing the fact that eating anything with a spoon is also risky, solely because the food on said spoon will dangle precariously as it travels from said container to said food consuming orifice. Plus if the chili is right off the burner it might just burn your tongue. Eat at your own risk. 
    
22. Chili in any respects i.e. chili burger, chili fries and half smoked. This is inclusive to the above because not only does it not afford a spoon, but it also has the risk of splash factor not given to any spoon shoveled delight. Think of any Carl's Jr. or Hardee's commercial. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIy12101Ajc 
    
23. Wings. This is a no-no because of the fact that getting the meat between that oh so delicious chicken wing will deter your concentration to the road in front of you. Not to mention that wings are extremely messy. Those of us that love to keep our cars clean need to remember that that delicious mango habanero sauce will be a bitch to get off the leather seats that weekend when it comes to cleaning time. 
    
24. Beer, wine or any spirit. Alcohol of any kind. I don't want your dumb ass to get drunk and crash into me or anyone else. Plus chances are you'll get that DUI you can't afford. Just don't do it.
    

List of Retardation

This is a list of all the things retarded. JUST STOP IT!

1. Fat people wearing spandex, yoga pants or leggings. It's like sausages for stocking stuffers. No one wants to see that. 
   
2. Uggs. Are Ugly. Period. Especially if used as a fashion statement. 
   
3. Men doing the comb over. Dude give it up already and shave it off.
   
4. Leopard print clothing. Cause nothing says "fuck me" like using a dead leopard to cover your legs and boobs. 
   
5. Military clothing as cool clothes. It's just disrespectful to those of us who serve and only acceptably cool when you're a kid. 
   
6. People wearing sweatpants out into the civilized world. This is especially retarded on college aged kids. They are only acceptable at home or when you're working out. 
   
7. Anyone who pays an inordinate amount of money for designer this and brand name that like Gucci, Dolce and Gabbana, Diesel, Prada and Jimmy Choo. 
   
8. Saggy pants. Anyone who needs to hold their pants up to walk just retarded. No one wants to see your ass, kid. Pull that up and wear a belt or appropriate sized jeans.
   
9. Scrunchies. They are ugly and childish.
   
10. Girls getting the Skrillex haircuts. 
    
11. Dreadlocks on white guys. Only acceptable if you're a pirate in which case it looks awesome.
    
12. Wiggers - White guys trying to act all 'gansta,' 'gangbanger' and 'baller.'
    
13. The Justin Bieber look. Here are a ton of them: http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/
    
14. Justin Bieber. 
    
15. Lady GaGa. Not noting that she is got the weirdo alien factor going for her retardation, add to that the fact that she makes it her personality and not just an act for the music. Plus she thinks a meat suit is an article of clothing. 
    
16. Nicki Minaj. Yes, you a stupid hoe.
    
17. Snooki. Cause this orange, drunk, drama-queen alien bitch thinks she is responsible enough to have a kid.
    
18. Any Teen Mom. Commercialization of teen pregnancy. 
    
19. Lindsay Lohan. No explanation necessary. 
    
20. Charlie Sheen. Winning.
    
21. Nadya Suleman. She's retarded for having her octuplets on top of the six children she already had while being a single mother with virtually no income. 
    
22. Caitlin Upton. Miss South Carolina 2007. Even though it probably was a slip of retardation, it qualifies her to be on this list. If you don't remember her, here is the video of her moment of stupidity: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww 
    
23. Taylor Lautner. Cause he's an alpaca. 
    
24. Sarah Jessica Parker. Cause she's a horse.
    
25. Todd Akin. Cause when responding to whether or not rape victims who become pregnant show have the option of abortion he responded with this gem, "if it's legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try and shut that whole thing down." 
    
26. Dianne Feinstein. For many things, but most recently her piece of legislation: Federal Assault Weapons Ban. Because guns kill people, pencils misspell words, cars drive drunks and spoons made Mama June and Rosie O'Donnell fat.
    
27. Sarah Palin. For many things among them her belief that creationism should be taught in every classroom, she does not believe in global warming, and a number of verbal gaffes since she has had such as "But obviously, we've got to stand with our North Korean allies. We're bound to by treaty," and "All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over the years," (in response to a reporter asking what magazines and newspapers she reads) which can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=GIB6af2kPPc#! and here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9go38MgZ4w8#! respectively. 
    
    
    
28. People who are morbidity obese that lose a few pounds and then think that they are skinny when in fact they still look like a fat ass. 
    
29. People who don't wear their proper sized clothes. Yes, wear something comfortable but don't wear something that could fit Paul Bunyan and Mama June's kid. And don't wear something that would fit you before you hit puberty. Buy the proper sized clothes and when it comes to suits, get them fitted.
    
30. Fat girls that wear shirts that show their midriff. It's just nasty to look at so don't show it to me. 
    
31. Any teen that wants to get pregnant that is still in school. End your life already.
    
32. Anyone who uses the word SWAG.
    
33. Anyone who uses the word YOLO.
    
34. Anyone who uses the word BIDDIE.
    
35. Pre-teen girls that put on a ton of make up and dress up skanky.
    
36. The parents that let their daughters dress that way.
    
37. Parents who can't control their kids. Assert your authority over your children and make them behave when they are out in public. Yes, children may not always listen, but if you don't take control of the situation, you are just retarded.
    
38. Parents who are afraid to discipline their kids. Kids need to understand that there are consequences to their actions. Parents need to enforce the rules that they put in place, otherwise their kids will walk right over them. Not to do so is fucking retarded. 
    
39. Parents who spoil their kids. This is teaching the kids to be brats and will eventually lead to silver spoon syndrome and end up with them being pretentious with tendencies of megalomania.
    
40. Parents who put their daughters through beauty pageants. All I have to say is "Toddlers and Tiaras" and "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."
    
41. Twilight.
    
42. Jersey Shore.
    
43. Glee.
    
44. High School Musical.
    
45. Hipsters. How did dressing up in your grandpa's clothing become fashionable? What is ironic about a mustache? How come you look like a homeless person? Why do you wear prescription glasses when you have 20/20 vision? What's with the 35mm SLR camera when you only use instagram on your iPad? Why did you bring your goddamn typewriter to Starbucks?
    
46. Hippies. God damn it. Just take a shower already. Albeit the 60's hippies had a political disposition, today's neo-hippies are just dirty, grimy people who don't want to get a job and become a useful members of society.
    
47. Internet crazes - planking, owling, teapotting, coning, Batmanning, Tewbowing, Lion-King-ing, milking etc. are all retarded. 
    
48. Crocs. 
    
49. People who leave the sticker on the bill of a baseball cap after the buy it because it preserves it's worth. That's like saying Beanie Babies will be worth something someday.
    
50. Flat billed baseball caps.
    
51. Thinking instagramming something makes it artistic.
    
52. Wearing a polo shirt or a button up with the collar popped.
    
53. Skinny jeans on dudes. 
    
54. Acting Guido.
    
55. The douchebag who don't wear deodorant. It's a dick move and is retarded on your part.
    
56. The asshole who puts on too much cologne or spray on deodorant.
    
57. Anyone who "pimps" out their ride, especially if it's a shitty Cadillac. 
    
58. Getting a tattoo of anything related to your girlfriend or boyfriend.
    
59. Taking pictures with an iPad. http://peopletakingpictureswithipads.tumblr.com/ 
    
60. Girls taking pictures of themselves in the bathroom mirror. 
    
61. Not being able to spot simple grammatical and spelling mistakes and changing them such as: "your" to "you're."
    
62. Buying prefabricated torn jeans. 
    
63. Not graduating high school. 
    
64. Chinese symbols for tattoos.
    
65. Uninformed and uneducated opinions.
    
     
66. Drinking and driving.
    
67. Jorts for guys.
    
68. Inspirational bullshit over a pointless irrelevant and unrelated picture that has been Instagramed to look artsy. 
    
69. Hashtagging on Facebook.
    
70. Sunglasses worn at night or indoors.
    
71. People who pay for sex.
    
72. People who think acting stupid is attractive. 
    
73. Cat Calling. 
    
74. Bronies - dudes that watch My Little Pony.
    
75. Scientology.
    
76. Men over the age of 18 that have a ponytail.
    
77. Mullets.
    
78. Grown men with Mohawks.
    
79. Referring to me as your "Bro" when you are neither my brother nor a close friend.
    
80. Bible Thumpers.
    
81. Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on your door.
    
82. People who bitch at you for taking the elevator to travel one floor.
    
83. Face, neck and hand tattoos.
    
84. Vaginal tattoos.
    
85. Gauges or plugs.
    
86. Facial piercings other than nose stud and ears.
    
87. Apologists.
    
88. Food porn.
    
89. Facebook and Tweets about going to the gym to get swelled up. 
    
90. People who get married after dating for only a month or two.
    
91. Leather pants on dudes expect when riding a motorcycle.
    
92. Riding a motorcycle without a helmet. 
    
93. Fat girls with whale tail. It looks like you have the biggest wedgie ever and you can hear the thong screaming. 
    
94. Leotards. Who wears leotards if they're not a gymnastics?
    
95. Men wearing Speedos unless you are competing for a swim team. 
    
96. Camel toe. Anyone want grilled cheese panties?
    
97. Vegetarians and Vegans. Meat is murder. Tasty, tasty murder.
    
98. Fur coats. Cause having a dead animal on you looks cool.
    
99. Gigantic purses. I am talking about ones you could fit Kate, Jack and the whole fucking Titanic in and still have room for Hagrid and the whole Harry Potter cast. Purses are small and are used to contain money, credit cards and an assortment of survival gear. Handbags on the other hand can carry your entire wardrobe and are equivalent to if us guys were to carry around a backpack with us all the time.
    
100. Fanny packs. Yes, they are useful, but you look like a fag-douche wearing it. Acceptable when you're a kid up to the point when you should know better.
     
101. Grillz. Because everyone needs 14 karats of diamonds and 3 oz. of gold in their mouth. 
     
102. Earrings on any guy. Not just retarded but a little gay too.
     
103. People who use an "alternative" form of transportation such as a skateboard or a scooter. Bicycles are okay. 
     
104. People who fill the back of their car with bumper stickers.
     
105. Heel less heels,
     
     
     
106. People who smoke because they think it makes them look cool.
     
107. People who do drugs for recreation.
     
108. Drugs themselves. 
      
109. Taxes. Yes, they are necessary, but no one wants to pay them.
     
110. Anyone who walk around with Dr. Dre Beats. And for that matter, anyone who thinks they are a DJ because they own a pair of Beats. I will admit, I own a pair of Beats but, I only use them at home for my TV or computer from time to time (hey they have pretty good sound quality) but, I do not wear them around to the gym or when I'm walking through the mall.
     
111. Pizza and breadsticks. Who buys something that has a high bread to overall food ratio and think, "hey, what is this lacking that I can order a side of? Oh! More bread!" No one thinks that, pizza companies, so stop offering me breadsticks with your pizza, pizza places!
     
112. Dying your hair a different color other than what is naturally possible if you are above a college education. Anyone who has graduated college and is working a professional job needs to not dye their hair tips pink. This just needs to stop. It looks retarded enough when I see a high schooler roll past with a red mohawk, as they get to rock that because it is age appropriate, but you are now are going on 30 and you want your bangs with some blue highlights. What is wrong with you? You look like a clown took a shit on your head. 
     
113. ComCon and other similar events. This is a double edged sword because these events are actually pretty cool in a geeky kind of way, so long as the event centric stuff happens within the confines of the event place. Meaning it's retarded if you're a 40 something year old going to these things and then going down to the Applebee's down the street in full CosPlay. 
     
114. Pin-on buttons. Anyone that wears a multitude of buttons over their clothes or backpack like Russell had on his sash on Up looks like a Girlscout or a Boyscout. Green Peace and Plant a Tree buttons had a place and time. That time was in middle school and that place was the bottom of your trash can. You look like the back of your eco-friendly hippie Prius. It's the equivalent of a bumper sticker on your chest.
     
115. Woo girls. God I hate woo girls. They are annoying and are completely superficial. I don't understand why the fuck they need to have that much energy and emotion over a cool song or some teen angst drama that got resolved. Shut the fuck up and live it up like normal human beings. For those of you have not been graced by the fine presence of a woo girl, I present you the How I Met Your Mother perspective on the woo girl: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vodPodgWh8E
     
116. Roller shoes. These are meant for middle schoolers. I even thought they were retarded back then. So, if you are a grown man that is wearing these, please roll yourself off a cliff.
     
117. Chain wallets. Unless you're in high school or a Rock Star.
     
118. Tie shirts. I'm talking about those t-shirts with the ties imprinted onto them. Retarded unless used in a major motion picture. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY35PFc23SM
     
119. Fedoras. You are not in the mafia nor a celebrity; it's uber douche meets hipster wanna be, you look like new age douchebags at the club. Stop this shit. The only acceptable fedora is the one Indiana Jones is wearing when he is going on an archaeological dig.
     
       
120. People who are pretentious. Anyone who is pretentious is an asshole. Plane and simple. 
     
121. People who drive around with a dog on their lap.It's dangerous and unsafe. You would drive with your 6 month old baby on your lap, why would a little yapper be any different. And who want's to get licked by a dog anyway?
     
122. Lap dogs that ride around in a woman's purse handbag. It's a Paris Hilton move. You look like her when you do it and you probably have the same amount of brain power as she does. There's a reason her grandfather took her off the will.
     
123. Clowns. No one likes them because they're creepy. Now given that fact, you're retarded for going into a profession that no one likes to have around.