Inappropriate Things to Eat while Driving

You know when you're stuck in rush hour traffic on your way to work at butt fuck in the morning and you look over and there's that guy with the bags under his eye that has a bowl of cereal in one hand and a carton of milk in the other that drives with one knee? Yeah, it's assholes like that that cause those accidents in the morning because they're more concerned with stuffing their pie hole with carbs than keeping at least ONE hand on the steering wheel and ONE eye one the road (and car in front of them). Well, I'm telling you THIS SHIT HAS TO STOP.

The follow is a list of shit you cannot under any circumstance consume while you are driving. Period.

1. Bowl of cereal with milk. Bowl, spoon, cereal, milk all add up to a very dangerous concoction when trying to drive and shovel those calories into your mouth. Just do it at home or in the parking lot of your work place.
   
2. Gourmet sandwich. There are so many delicious gourmet sandwiches out there my two favorite being any sandwich from Little Lucas or Kat's Delicatessen. This video surmises why such endeavors should not be attempted while operating a moving vehicle. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHWTc8cUhkw
   
3. Pub burger. Wholesome complete delicious burgers. Grilled to perfection. Nothing beats them. Too bad they can get everywhere. Eat with caution. Do not eat while driving. Bonus: sometimes bacon and pulled pork make it extra special. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1krJqn3smbI
   
4. Heart Attack Grill Burger.  Ah, such a masterpiece. Such a wondrous creation. I recently had a Heart Attack Grill Burger and it was a God's fatty creation piled into one delicious juicy bacon laced burger. Finish it, otherwise you will be paddled to the Nurse's content. Not recommended for driving due to sheer size. Also, might not be able to be taken out. But other such sized burgers exist (same rules apply).
   
5. Crab legs. Sexy as these may be, I should not look over and see you cracking one open and spreading lemon juice all over them. These are succulent and best dipped in melted butter, but shouldn't be eaten on the road, especially since a sudden breaking could send Mr. Crustacean's claw to snip your uvula or try some debauched crab-finger deep throat. Yuck.
   
6. Lobster. Steering with your elbows never makes me feel safe. Neither does seeing you gorge yourself with the ass end of a lobster. Splatter effects on windshield may also affect driving ability.
   
7. Soup and chowder. Both are delicious. Both are banned for eating and driving purposes. Even the chowder in the bread bowl. Just think spillage. I love my chowder, but I do not like it on the floor of my car, or my leg for that matter. But more importantly I do not want to see you trying to clean this shit up (or burn yourself first) while driving. 
   
8. Sushi. I may have mixed feelings with this choice, but sorry to say, those of you would want to eat this while driving also feel the need to eat it with chopsticks all the while dipping it into your perfect soy sauce/wasabi mixture. Sorry to say, balancing a liquid on your leg while managing a slice precariously on two pieces of wood does not lead me to think you are paying attention to me when you're shifting lanes. Just don't. 
   
9. Nachos. Messy. Period. All over the place. It's a Mexican Bukkake all over your face. And car. It's pornographic for Christ's sake. (I wonder if there's a porn for that, Bukkake Driving.) 
   
10. Corn on the Cob. Think of it as slippery and messy. It's like face fucking yourself with a lubed up dildo, plus the fact the pieces get stuck in your teeth.
    
11. Rack of BBQ Ribs. It's like sucking on Porky Pigs' own ribs. Slathered in any rub or sauce, these are a slice of heaven. Too bad they require both hands. So don't eat them while driving.
    
12. Ice Cream. There are so many good ice cream places, but my personal favorite is Cold Stone. Albeit great, it is also too messy to eat on the road. The bowl method requires a spoon and that thus requires two hands which leave none for the steering wheel, while the cone method leaves you with much spillage over your leather interior. It's a lose-lose situation.
    
13. Spaghetti. Messy meatballs, sloppy long noddles plus the ill advised fork. What can go wrong? 
    
14. Watermelon. Drippage. Running down your chin and into your lap. Delicious and sweet but messy and you'll be more concerned with dribbling down your chin than breaking at the red light. 
    
15. Shrimp. De-shelling is the problem when it comes to these suckers. And although delicious, they aren't worth the risk when it comes to rear ending the next car. Wait until you are home. Unless they're popcorn shrimp, then pop those bad boys in your mouth like there's no tomorrow.
    
16. Crawfish. One of my many weaknesses. Cajun crawfish. My favorite place for these is the ever growing in popularity Hot N Juicy Crawfish which I bring all my friends to at any opportunity. The only thing is I eat it while I am there. Not when I am driving back home. The sucking and de-shelling and dipping process is too complex a process to do on the move. Think rubbing your right hand on your stomach in a counter clockwise direction while tapping your head with your left hand while enjoying a masterful blowjob. Think you can thoroughly enjoy it?
    
17. Mussels and Clams. This is one of those foods that just gets everywhere, no matter what you do. Hence why most places give you a bib. Unfortunately you don't have a bib in your car.
    
18. Oatmeal. Similar to cereal, this breakfast fodder is delicious but requires the finesse of playing airplane with a 2 year-old. It's gobblty-globber all over your car's floor and your pant leg with the many potholes you encounter on your way to work and I don't want to be veering down the highway at 70 mph and seeing you looking down at your leg vigorously wiping away with a napkin. 
    
19. Chinese food. The TWO HAND rule must be put into effect here because of the balance required to operate the dish. Plus the use of chopsticks requires coordination only offered with the plate in one hand sticks in the other deal.
    
20. Steak. Let's start with the knife you're using while driving, which requires two hands to operate. If your steak is precut, then by all means eat away. But balancing a plate with a freshly cut bloody steak and trying to drive and cut it at the same time is stupidly dangerous.
    
21. A bowl of chili. This is stupid only for a variety of reasons not limited to the NO BOWL rule for eating in a car. Think of it as trying to concentrate on not spilling your food as well as operating a moving death machine at a high velocity. This is foregoing the fact that eating anything with a spoon is also risky, solely because the food on said spoon will dangle precariously as it travels from said container to said food consuming orifice. Plus if the chili is right off the burner it might just burn your tongue. Eat at your own risk. 
    
22. Chili in any respects i.e. chili burger, chili fries and half smoked. This is inclusive to the above because not only does it not afford a spoon, but it also has the risk of splash factor not given to any spoon shoveled delight. Think of any Carl's Jr. or Hardee's commercial. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIy12101Ajc 
    
23. Wings. This is a no-no because of the fact that getting the meat between that oh so delicious chicken wing will deter your concentration to the road in front of you. Not to mention that wings are extremely messy. Those of us that love to keep our cars clean need to remember that that delicious mango habanero sauce will be a bitch to get off the leather seats that weekend when it comes to cleaning time. 
    
24. Beer, wine or any spirit. Alcohol of any kind. I don't want your dumb ass to get drunk and crash into me or anyone else. Plus chances are you'll get that DUI you can't afford. Just don't do it.